A question I get asked A LOT in couples therapy sessions is ‘Do you talk about sex?’ My answer to them is always ‘Yes, absolutely we talk about sex.
The most frequently asked questions about sex are ‘What is a normal sex life?’ and ‘How often should we be having sex?’ Of course, for each couple these questions are going to have very different answers. One of the benefits of talking about sex within therapy is the exploration of each other's wants and needs, desires and expectations.
One of the most common issues within couples and their sex life, isn’t about the actual act of sex, it is in fact the lack of communication between each other. Open communication is essential to any sexual relationship. Not being able to talk about sex with a partner is more likely to mean you are not going to be happy with the sex life you are having.
Bringing up a discussion about sex can feel uncomfortable at first, and very much outside your comfort zone, but in the absence of NOT talking about it, we revert to those ‘set’ ideas on what our sex life should look like. Make it the norm to talk about sexual topics. Whether that be something you have read or seen on TV, if you have listened to a podcast about sex then share it with your partner for them to have a listen. By creating this open forum, it will hopefully lead to understanding of each other's wants and needs much better.
Another issue that you may be able to relate to, that many couples talk about, is problems with desire. Research has shown that over the last 20 years we are having far less sex than we used to.
There are many contributing factors to this: 90% of people have distracted (non sexual) thoughts when having sex. Examples of that may be worrying thoughts like, “What if it hurts?” “Is my partner turned on?” “What do they think about my body?”
Other thoughts may be, “I didn’t respond to that important email I received” or “Are the kids due to come back now?” Life is so busy these days and it is so much harder to be in the moment. You need to pay attention to what is actually happening - the act of sex. These thoughts remove us from that moment of desire and take us out of the sexual place and experience, and minimise the sexual responsiveness which in turn can then make it harder to experience an orgasm.
There are so many myths about sex, what we SHOULD be doing or how often we SHOULD be having sex. Alongside that, with comparison to others about what they are doing, criticising yourself for not wanting it or feeling bored within your relationship. Have you ever asked yourself or your partner the question; “What is a healthy sex life?” or “What do you define as a healthy sex life?” It isn’t about the frequency of sex, or how long you can ‘do it’ for. These questions (and many more) are how therapy can help you.
Sex is a verb, it is a ‘doing’ word. It is something we do, something we participate in, and therefore it is really important to understand that in order to ‘do sex’ we have to work at it!
Great Sex doesn’t just happen. Great sex comes from knowing your own body, making your partner(s) feel desired and talking and communicating about your likes and dislikes.
Don’t wait for great sex, make great sex!!
Suggested reading:
Mind The Gap - Dr Karen Gurney
Come As You Are - Emily Nagoski
Mating in Captivity - Dr Esther Perel
Magnificent Sex - Peggy. J. Kleinplatz
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