I have had many years of working with and supporting children and their families in bereavement, grief and loss. Grief in children and young adults can present in many different ways. This could be presented in sadness, anger, anxiety, loss of concentration, feelings that things do not matter like they used to, or withdrawing from friends and family. Some children and teenagers are more open with their feelings, while others are more reserved. For many children, expressing big feelings can be challenging, they may not understand their emotions which in turn can find them struggling to find the right words. It is necessary to try and teach them different skills and coping strategies that may be able to help them in the future.
It is important for children and young people to talk about their grief. For many adults, there is always that worry about not knowing what to say or the fear of upsetting the child. Having conversations about the person who has died can help the child to acknowledge that they are not alone in their thoughts and that they don't have to hide about how they are feeling.
Here are some ways to help when talking to children about death.
Tell them the truth – If they ask, “What happened to Nanny?” tell them that she has died. If you speak to them first in religious terms, such as “She has gone to Heaven,” then they may very well want to go and visit her and not understand why they cannot go. If you tell them something like “Jesus took her to be with Him,” or something of a similar nature, based on your personal faith teachings, they may resent Him for taking her away. Please keep in mind that they will remember what you say as fact, but they may not share with you how they interpret it.
Be clear in your communication – If they ask you what death is, tell them in simple terms about how serious the accident or illness was and that Nanny’s body could not keep working. Be sure that you also tell them that just getting ill doesn’t mean that you will die. It is important that they understand that this only happens when someone is very ill. If you do not make this point clear, they may worry that even a common cold may cause death.
The person is no longer in pain – Let them know that when a person dies, they are no longer in pain. If the person who died had been in pain, this may help them understand the differences between life and death.
It is hugely important that parents/carers don’t hide their own feelings. Parents often think that they must be strong for their children but this can send them the wrong message. Children learn to respond to situations by watching adults. If you do not share your emotions with them, you run the risk of them thinking that being sad about death is somehow wrong. Grief is the normal reaction to any change you experience. It is important for children to see how death impacts you. If you try to protect them by hiding your emotions or leaving the room every time you start to cry, they will copy your example. There is no need to fix the loss; children should be allowed to feel bad when their hearts are broken, and need to be heard without judgement. Encourage your children to talk about how they’re feeling and reassure them that what they’re feeling is normal and natural.
Here are some really informative and beautifully written books that can help when talking to children.
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